Coping With Spouse's Sickness

Marriage vows aptly have the clause of undying love and togetherness in sickness and "in health." Though most of us do not take it very seriously, often the very edifice of a marriage is tested on this particular clause - when one partner falls prey to a serious illness or is the victim of an unfortunate accident and is bedridden for weeks, or more.

Lori, a friend of mine, was just married for two months when her husband Steve met with a fatal car accident on his way back from office. He suffered a spinal injury and was advised bed-rest for three months. The couple who had just started enjoying marital bliss was initially shattered. But Lori soon took control and saw to it that Steve did not wallow in self-pity. She tenderly nursed him back to health and made his forced bed-rest as comfortable and enjoyable as possible. As a result, their marriage started on a very stable foundation and they are a very well-adjusted couple today.

My cousin Debbie's story is different. She was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her husband of ten years, David, who was very loving earlier, suddenly changed overnight. He became morose and withdrawn.

As Debbie's condition started to deteriorate under chemotherapy, David surprised everybody by asking for a divorce. He said that he could not survive without sex and wanted to opt out. Needless to say, Debbie was absolutely shattered beyond words at his callous attitude and gave up the will to live. Life, as we know, is not a bed of roses. Our body is a biological machine and may have a breakdown any time. In today's age, when most families are nuclear, it falls upon the spouse to take care of the partner when he or she is sick. Prolonged illness or confinement to bed puts forward a lot of physical and mental challenges that one has to cope with. Here are few tips to help face the situation:

Have a positive attitude:

However upset you are, do not show your feelings to your sick partner - it will only make him or her feel worse. If necessary, have a good cry in another room or on a close friend's shoulder. Show your partner your positive side and tell him or her that he or she will get better soon and things will improve. It has been medically proved that patients can hasten their recovery process with a strong will. Talk of your future together and don't let the other person brood.

Encourage friends to drop in:

Human beings are social animals and need the company of others. Encourage your spouse's friends or colleagues to drop in for a chat and leave them alone. Your partner will feel better after such interactions. He or she won't feel left out. If necessary, tell them in advance not to talk about the illness but about other topics of common interest.

Enlist help:

When my uncle was diagnosed with cancer, my aunt became totally housebound as he needed 24-hour care. She slowly took up offers of relatives and friends to sit with uncle for a while so that she could attend to other jobs including bank work, shopping for groceries, cooking, washing, tidying up the house. She started keeping a "timetable" near the phone and slotting time periods to people, so that she had some leisure for herself. Since uncle was drowsy most of the time, the helper could read or watch TV while keeping an eye on him. Aunt always thoughtfully kept a flask of coffee and some biscuits for the reliever. Looking after a patient day in and day out can get very stressful; so don't try to take the entire burden on yourself.

Accept the situation:

It is really no use wasting time on thinking "what if" or "why has this happened to me?" You cannot undo the situation. Read self-help books, if necessary, or do meditation to calm yourself. If required, go to a professional counsellor to help deal with the situation. Many people take the help of a priest or a trusted senior relative or friend, the family doctor or a support group. Don't let feelings of frustration or hopelessness overcome you. Look beyond the period to when things will be back in normal shape.

Financial problems:

Medical emergencies are often a drain on our financial resources. It is always advisable to go in for a medical insurance scheme early in life. But even insurance does not cover all expenses. Keep some money aside for such emergencies.

If you must take a loan, consult someone knowledgeable who can guide you. Don't take impulsive decisions which may negatively affect your family budget for years to come. If the patient needs to take a particular medicine for a long time, get it from a wholesaler which will save you a lot of money in the long run.

Make the patient comfortable:

Make the room bright, airy and cheerful. Change the bed linen frequently, and use fresh, brightly-coloured ones. Keep fresh flowers in a vase. Don't allow the room become dark and damp. Let in sunlight, draw back the curtains every morning.

If possible, position the bed near the window if there is a good view.Keep the room neat and clean, and get rid of all clutter. Keep medicines in a closed cabinet as it is often depressing for the patient to see rows of medicine bottles displayed next to the bed. Access to TV, newspapers and magazines will make the patient feel he or she is in touch with the outside world and help recovery fast.

If he or she is fond of reading, get books from the local library or from friends. Keep a music system handy so that, favourite numbers can be played. If he or she is a movie buff, this is the time to watch some CDs. Keep water, fruits and some biscuits at hand to save the patient having to callout to you each time something is needed. Make sure that the patient changes fresh clothes everyday and "gets ready" every morning and does not lounge around in night-clothes or with an unshaven face.

Resolve emotional problems:

It is quite natural that either or both of you will go through your own individual grieving process as your dreams and ambitions start changing. Though you may face a temporary downswing in your relationship with each other, take control of your emotions. Now is the test of the strength of your love for each other. The very foundation of your marriage is being tested.

Don't shy away from talking to each other - communication is very essential in such situations. Don't resort to tears, fights, accusations or denials.

Focus objectively on the situation and together workout a strategy to cope. If necessary, take the help of a professional counsellor to minimise the conflict and pain in the relationship.

Reorganise your life:

If you are also a working person, don't hesitate to go back to work once your partner is better. After all, there is a limit to the leave you can take. Make arrangements with someone (mother, mother-in-law, sister-in-law or paid help) to look after the patient while you are away at work. Talk it over with your partner before you take a decision.

Make sure that you spend quality time with him or her after your working hours so that, he or she does not feel neglected. My friend Anna's husband, Jeff, would go to the club directly from office every day while Anna lay in bed at home recuperating from a fatal attack of jaundice. His excuse? He felt claustrophobic in a sickroom. Poor Anna felt totally neglected and unloved, and her road to recovery was an uphill task.

Sexual needs:

Sex is the basis of a good marriage. Don't feel shy to discuss sexual issues with your partner. If you can't indulge in the actual act, hold hands, cuddle and kiss, to keep the sexual fires burning and your feelings for each other very much alive.

A word of caution - this is the time you may be tempted to have a fling or an affair because you are vulnerable. Guard against this, as it will cause untold emotional damage.

Involve the family:

Involve the entire family early on in care-giving. Encourage the kids to spend time with their sick parent. Their chatter and anecdotes will liven up the patient's day. If you have relatives in the same town, enlist their help too. Call your in-laws over, if required. Don't take all the burden on your shoulders - you are to keep the family spirits up and help the patient to cope.

Conclusion:

Health and sickness are two sides of the marriage coin. Illness can strike anyone at anytime without any warning. If handled with maturity and sensitivity, a partner's sickness can strengthen a relationship. If not handled with care, it can rock the very edifice of a marriage. So, face the challenge offered by such a crisis and live happily ever after.

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